Who is speaking?

Dear all,

In my Feb newsletter, I will be writing on the topic of “3 Faces of Self-Mastery” in a rather generic sense and I wanted to take this opportunity to touch upon one of the faces in this blog today: the importance of self-awareness.

I think for those who have been reading my blog frequently, it is no surprise that self-awareness and self-reflection is a personal strength and priority of mine. It ties in with the notion of “if you want to change the world, you have to change yourself first” and how can we do this, if we do not understand what is going on within ourselves? The Coaching process is very much anchored on this principle as well – change happens when the client has made a new connection in his mind that gave an insight he or she didn’t have before. It is most powerful if that insight is not only about a situation or new course of action, but rather tells the person what it is in his or her self-perspective that has shifted to allow for the new conclusion to arrive. It follows the cycle of change your thinking -> change your feeling -> (and hence change your vibration) -> change your doing.

Connected to this is the fact that most people still operate on a DO-HAVE-BE principle. For instance, as long as we are doing the right things, we will get the money and then we will be somebody. With enough self-awareness practice, you will know it doesn’t work that way. Instead we have to adapt a BE-DO-HAVE attitude instead. “Being” means that we are fully present and all our senses are open, our beliefs are aligned to create a connection to our higher self. It is a vibrational state out of which “Doing” flows naturally, without having to put too much energy and force into it. “Having” becomes the consequences of both as things fall into place in a way that is best for all concerned.

For me personally, self-awareness has been an important starting point to get closer to a BE-DO-HAVE principle in life and at work. And I say closer, because to BE is a probably a challenging, life-long endeavor. I am “work in progress’, as most of us are.

One way to create more self-awareness in our life is to understand “who is speaking” in your inner mind. We all have hidden “ego-personalities” (EPs) that want to be heard by us. Those EPs are often nasty, being fed from underlying fears and perceived inadequacies. We have installed them in our subconscious mind to protect us from certain situations where we had negative experiences. The problem is once installed, they replay their script even in new situations where they are no longer needed which leads to outdated responses failing its original positive intent.

Coach in a Box (www.coachinabox.co.uk) calls those EPs “Mindtraps” – a trap we fall into about the way we look at the world. I call them EPs, because I believe that if called often enough, they become hardwired into our system and become personalities in their own right, managed and triggered by the master, our ego.

So what are typical EPs or Mindtraps?

1.Martyr: Other’s needs are more important than my own; I put myself second; I “should” or “have to” be doing this; work comes first, enjoyment later.

Associated feelings: resentment, irritation, apathy, anxiety


2.Avoider: I can’t do anything about this; it is not in my hands; it is as it is; no point interfering.

Associated feelings: hopelessness, anger, exasperation, paralysis

3.Pleaser: they won’t respect me; they think less of me; they have done / are more than me.

Associated feelings: low grade anxiety, apprehension, guilt, shame, lack of self-love and self-esteem

4.Critic / Doubter: I am not good enough; I got it wrong again; I could have done better and done more; things are always going wrong; they don’t want to change anyways; they will never make progress.

Associated feelings: frustration, anger, self-doubt, stress, helplessness, guilt, shame, wanting to be loved / respected

5.Prover: I am only as good as my next success; my goals is the only thing that matters; I will be found out.

Associated feelings: Tense, driven, high energy, excitement / adrenaline rush, stressed, can throw temper tantrums / get emotional

6.Worrier: they don’t listen to me; they will laugh at me; if I do this X will happen; I will never get it right for others; I’d rather avoid the situation; I have to be aggressive or not say it at all; I have to control the situation to prove to them and myself.

Associated feelings: anxiety, fear, needs safety

We may all have elements of all 6 EPs in us, but usually 1-3 types are more active and dominant than others. It also depends on the situation we find ourselves in and what “program / type” got activated.

The trick is to identify the situational triggers and then understand the irrational chain of limiting beliefs that are activated and result in specific reactions. Underlying the cycle of triggers -> thinking & feeling (EPs) -> consequences is usually a CORE FEAR of something.

For example, in my case I know that if I am more concerned about my “DOING” as I go into a coaching conversation, what happens is that my Critic & Doubter can easily be triggered. When I more focused on doing, it means my mind is too busy thinking things like: what questions should I ask, what tools & techniques will I use, how will the coachee respond, what else do I need to do etc.

By doing so, I can get easily trapped in my own mind rather than spending attention to the coachee of what is going on with him / her at this particular moment. I am playing out my own scenarios in my head and I am not connected enough.

Hence, insights as part of the conversation may not happen as there is a disconnect. Sensing that in myself can make me frustrated, thoughts like “why can’t I be present, it is my responsibility anyways to make this conversation effective” etc. will kick in. The consequence could be that I beat myself up and finally avoid doing anything, challenge or stop the conversation to gather myself and reconnect. I let it further unfold, being even more frustrated that things get better as I am still mindtrapped.

This means my EP cycle is Critic -> Martyr -> Avoider. Paying attention to this playing out, I have then to ask myself:

1. Who is speaking and what is being said by each of the EPs?
2. Where do I think that might come from?
3. Where do I have I heard that before?

Question 2 and 3 can give me then an insight into my triggers and core fear if observed over time. Once I understand what it is, I will have to address it and replace it with a positive belief instead.

Now, I know from experience that understanding our triggers and core fears that contributed to forming a limiting belief, may not be good enough to replace them effectively.

Knowing for instance, that one of my triggers for the Critic to kick in, are situations where I feel overwhelmed by the amount of diverse information the Coachee shares, which fosters my underlying fear of “not being able to stay in control” is very helpful. But to shift that belief, a rational understanding may or may not be good enough – that’s why the use of EFT, NLP and Hypnotherapy as complementary tools in coaching can be very helpful.

I suggest using the EPs and Mindtraps is a good way to start looking at different situations in your life that did not go as intended and where you reacted strongly. It is a basis to unravel some of your limiting beliefs.

Think about:
• Which EP plays out most often in your life and work?
• What are the specific situations when the dominant EP turns up?
• What is the trigger in those situations? What happened? (play it like a movie in your mind, only backwards)
• When this happened what did you believe about yourself, others, the situation at that time?
• What does this remind you of? Where did you learn this from?
• What feeling goes with this?
• Is it true?
• How do you know it is really true?
• Who would you be without that thought?
• How can you let go and turn that thought around?
• Who is the new personality speaking now?

I trust the EPs and those questions will give you some inspiration to practice some self-awareness in your life.

Let me know how you are doing, I would love to hear from you.

May you BE well, that you DO all the right things and HAVE all that you deserve.

Love, Vanessa