Welcome back.
How have you been? Are you already in Christmas mood and all ready to bring joy and love into others life at this special time of the year?
My partner and I managed to put a few Christmas deco items into our house over the weekend and I have to say I, it was not easy. While he is the “more, the better” type, I insisted to keep it as minimalistic as possible with the effect that we had to go out three times to add on a different item each time to make the house at last feel somewhat season-spirited.
Frankly speaking, we have never been the couple that gets things like house moving, decorating, cooking, grocery shopping and house fixing done smoothly. We both have a strong character and hold very particular views on how things need to get done. Watching each other in the process makes matters worse and the usual “I told you so” and “not like this…” can end in raised voices and snappy comments. It is funny though that this mostly happens with things that are largely unimportant or matters of the household. When it is about big things and big decisions in our lives, we are usually quickly aligned and are nurturing the same views.
I often wondered about that without conclusive insights, I have to admit. Yet, what I do realize is that I do play my part in it and can make these little discrepancies between us bigger than they really are which almost always has a negative impact on our relationship. I have this “gift” at times to make a mountain out of a molehill and to push the envelope. Over the last 2 years, I dare to say that I have learnt to accept this part of me and through lots of self-reflection and I am now in better control of myself – my thinking, my feeling and my reactions irrespective of what my partner’s reactions might be. (even though you would have to ask him to confirm my view.)
One concept that I have had to constantly remind myself of is that of “staying in the present”. What do I mean by that?
When we are beginning a new relationship with someone, everything is new and fresh. We are getting to know the person in fascinating many ways and almost everything he / she does is interesting and surprising.
However, once we know our partner, often the very things that were “cute” become a nuisance. Instead of surprising us, the behaviours of our partner seem like an old broken record, played over and over again. We have begun taking the other person for granted and we have started to look at them through different eyes. The lens we apply is the lens of “already knowing” what he or she will say or do. If we keep on using this lens, life and love can begin to be boring, predictable and no longer engaging. The more we live in the past to interpret our partner’s behaviour, the more likely it is that we are getting our self-fulfilling prophecy. He or she doesn’t even stand a chance to be and act different, because in our minds an automatic response pattern has already decided on what is going to happen next.
A different way to react is by staying fully in the present, letting go of the past, letting go of self-righteousness and becoming sensitive to the partner’s needs instead. I admit it is not easy in the beginning, but if you try it a couple of times, you will find that it opens up a new space of collaboration, respect and love.
Staying in the present means that we forgo all the “should’s” and “have to’s” and offer honest questions and support instead. It requires us to pay attention to our own reactions to the situation at hand and towards our partner. If our reaction is over the top and misappropriate given the actual situation, most likely we are dragging the past into it. If you catch yourself doing that, stop and trace the thought or past incidents that you were just thinking of. Ask yourself: “How true is this really?”
You remember Katie Byron’s “The Work” mentioned in the other blog entry? Every time I am starting to get upset about something my partner did or did not do is, I go through a couple a questions in my mind:
•Is it true? (what I think about him or his reactions at this moment)
•What is my reaction / what are the consequences for us if I believe this is true?
•Who would I be (and our relationship be) if I let this thought go?
•What is really most important to me – very often this brings me back to my positive intention and gives me the motivation to approach him “lovingly” rather than with judgment
•What can I offer him / what can I do right now to improve the situation – sometimes I just have to take his hand, sometimes I have to ask him a question of what is important to him, sometimes I hold him and say that everything is fine etc.
In the end of the day, live is really too short to fight and argue about all the little things. We have the chance everyday to make more conscious choices in our lives and relationships. Relationships are an ideal place to discover: “what’s the work that we have to do ourselves towards more wholeness”. Our partner often is only a mirror to show us what we have to heal most in ourselves. If we recognize that, a relationship can become a vehicle for personal, spiritual growth and healing.
It is not always easy, but it is definitely worth it – at least for me.
Imagine, what it would be like to see the person you love with new eyes every day? I invite you to leave the past out of your present and create the next moment with the one you love as it is the first.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
The Importance of Seasons
Good morning, everyone!
Time seems just to be flying these last few months and I truly can’t believe that we will celebrate Christmas soon. If Orchard Road and all the Singapore malls and shops wouldn’t remind me of it with their lights, decoration, songs, food and presents, I probably would ignore it all together this year.
I feel more in action-mood than reflection mood recently and Christmas seems like a force-fitted break to me. This is funny though, since I always enjoyed the pre-christmas time with its warm & spirit-filled events and rituals. Maybe one of the reasons is that even after 6 years in Singapore, I do miss the distinct differences of the year’s seasons – autumn, winter, spring and summer. In Germany for instance, each season brings different habits, foods, activities and clothes into our life. In Singapore, the seasonal changes are subtle and are mostly to be observed in whether changes (e.g. like now with more rain, a bit colder) and shop displays. I often wonder if people in Singapore never miss nature’s seasons as a catalyst for personal change and shifts. And if they do miss it, what do they do about it?
I personally do have a strong desire to have my internal seasons in tune with the outside world. It doesn’t feel natural to me if Christmas is about drive & actions and summer about contemplation and silence.
Let’s have a look in more detail what each season stands for and how this is related to personal shifts:
Autumn – Sensing Changes
• Knowing and acknowledging that changes are in the air
• Preparing for a safe refuge where you get ready for the developments ahead
• Staying open & worry-free and securing networks and support
Early Winter – Retreating and Reflecting
• Allowing yourself to feel tired, confused and unhappy
• Creating quiet time, turning inwards
• Reflecting on where we are, what we want and our ideals
• Time for renewing yourself
Winter – Hoping in the darkness
• Being in the dark, waiting for insights to emerge
• Turning things upside down and looking at life from different perspectives
• Deciding on things that are enough – drawing lines in the sand
• Finding a new story about our past and testing new doors to the future
Late Winter - Defining the Vision
• Following the Insights wherever they take you
• Clearing spaces – physically, mentally and emotionally
• Creating a plan for the future
Spring – Growing
• Giving birth to the plans and the new you
• Planting the right seeds
• Bursting with energy and momentum
• Trusting one’s own timing
Summer – Celebrate your Harvest
• Being clear, confident and living abundantly
• Allowing the new fruits in your life to ripen at its own time
• Celebrating success, playing and enjoying
Reflecting on my own situation at the moment, I feel I am more in the season of spring rather than winter. Yet, there are elements from Winter and Late Winter which I would like to explore more fully – in particular:
• Finding a new story about our past and testing new doors to the future (W)
• Clearing spaces – physically, mentally and emotionally (Late W)
To do this I decided to take a break from my usual Christmas Holiday in Germany(and over-eating) and attend a 10-day Fasting & Detox Retreat in Thailand (alone!). It comes with a spiritual counseling centre, meditation and yoga activities and I can’t wait to make more space for my visions and plans to take root and blossom in a more refined ME.
Just like the seasons in nature, you too may experience your life and the changes in it just like the seasons. Perhaps you are experiencing different seasons in relation to various aspects of your life at this time. What season of the year are you in? And what can you do to leverage the natural qualities of this time for your personal growth?
Love & Blessings,
Vanessa
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Facing Personal Challenges
Hi there!
It has been 2 interesting weeks for me. I use the word interesting, because I am actually still at an internal processing stage. In the last 2 weeks I participated in a number of work- and non-work related events and as usual this distinction wasn’t very helpful as the lines blurred quickly. What was “work” turned out to be very personal and what was “non-work” opened up realizations to become better at work. It was a timely reminder that life lessons present itself at any time and anywhere as long as we are open enough to receive them and are somewhat “ready” for change.
The beauty about Coaching is the fact that you are constantly challenged to learn and monitor yourself closely to make sure that you do not project your own “business” onto the Coachee. In the Henley Coaching Certification program I am currently participating in, they are emphasizing this fact by allowing us to write reflective pieces of our coaching experiences in the role as a Coach as well as a Coachee. It is a useful way of getting beneath your own surface and understand the interplay of subconscious forces at work (see last blog entry).
Self-reflection has always been a very important part of my life, but recently I have felt somewhat trapped in a vicious cycle. It is like the more I know what I have to change something, the more caught up I get. The “should’s” and “should not to’s” and “have to’s” just kept on creeping in into my self-talk. You can imagine some of the outer effects – my moodiness increased, I started to question myself and what I want, started to blame my partner for all the things he doesn’t do for me, I over-ate, I felt unhappy etc.
On a cognitive level I know that it has been ME creating all this difficulties in my mind by believing in and falling for thoughts that are not true. Of course, this is not the first time I am experiencing this (we are human beings and are thinking ALL the time), yet having done a lot of personal development work over the last few years, I was surprised at the intensity and frequency of these thoughts that only seem to know one purpose: “creating fear and doubt”.
Then I saw a connection – the closer I seem to get towards achieving my goals, the louder my internal critic becomes. You may call it “fear of success” or doubts that are created by my thinking mind about what I am able to achieve or not.
Luckily, as a Coach and personal development “junkie” I do have tools and resources at hand that can help me through a difficult period like that. This time, the support has come in three different forms:
•A book that I picked up from the library on being “Consciously Female” by Tracy W. Gaudet, M.D.
•A spontaneous Healing session with Sound and Channeling by my dear friend Lena Chen (www.lenashealinghaven.com)
•A Workshop I had signed up for on “The Work” (Katie Byron – www.TheWork.com), a process of inquiry to release your limiting thoughts and beliefs and “love what is” (loving the present without judgments). The Workshop was hosted by Elaine Grundy from the Reiki Centre (www.reikicentre.com.sg)
All three resources have been teaching me different things and approaches to deal with the issues at hand. The book I picked up has made me realize that I my well-being (including my motivation and self-confidence) is indeed impacted by my cyclical states. I have been keeping a mood chart in connection with my menstrual cycle for a while now and am generally aware of the links. However, this book is like God’s gift for women who want to have an integrative perspective on how to actually deal with female specific issues in a mindful and conscious way. It would be too much for one blog entry to repeat lessons learnt for me, but all I can say is that I will be working on getting more consciously female and will start to adjust my weekly schedules and routines to incorporate some of the insights I got from this book.
The session with Lena was a very special experience. I have known Lena for about 1+ year and she had worked as a Counselor before. She has her own Healing practice now and is into Holistic Therapies. We are regularly in contact and we have been both talking about a general change in the approach to healing. According to established sources, the world has started to shift from energetic healing energies to sound and light. And as if by design, Lena had started to incorporate voice and tone into her healing sessions together with inner dance elements. She had told me about it before, but when I experienced it myself it was like a journey through time and space, her voice reflecting exactly my mental images and the bodily experiences I had. Her channeling was also powerful for me, since the messages I got confirmed that I am on the right path. Yet, again I also had to realize that being in flow, achieving all that I desire and spiritually evolve comes from the HEART and not the head. I was being reminded that I am a very good planner and analytical person. However, the progresses I will make are not based on my cognitive abilities but rather on my capacity to open up and follow my heart. How true! When she channeled these messages during the session, I could feel the “heaviness” of my own thoughts and mind and the blockage to the heart chakra. I was being told that one of the ways to listen to my heart more closely is daily meditation. And what do you know…? I have always been an on and off meditator, but recently I felt compelled to put more discipline into my meditation practice. So, it shows I do listen to my heart – sometimes at least.
The 3rd lesson I got (beside cyclical considerations and heart-opening through meditation) was the fact that monitoring your thought processes is indeed “work”. Katie Byron’s approach is titled “The Work” and I must say having read her book about 3 years ago, I was a little apprehensive in applying her process. Her approach emerged from her own experiences of being depressed for almost 10 years. She realized one day that her suffering was caused by the beliefs she held about the world around her and not by the world itself. She saw that our attempt to find happiness was backwards – instead of hopelessly trying to change the world to match our thoughts about it “should” be, we can question these thoughts and, by meeting reality as it is, experience unimaginable freedom and joy. Based on this, she developed a simple, yet powerful process of inquiry about our limiting beliefs led by four questions and a turnaround:
•Is it true (the limiting thought / belief)?
•Can I absolutely know that it is true?
•How do I react if I think that this thought / belief is true?
•Who would I be without this thought /belief?
•Turnaround: Find 3 genuine examples of how the opposite is true in your life
I had tried the process on my own several times before with some results. The Workshop reinforced that there is still work to do. So, I decided to give “The Work” a more dedicated try over a period of 3 months but in conjunction with EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) as I still believe that “cognitive mind work” is great, yet combined with energy releasing techniques the results should even be better. I keep you informed how it goes and if it goes well, it is definitely something I want to add into my holistic coaching toolkit. Until then, I will be your guinea pig.
So, 2 weeks gone by, three lessons richer and three hours later (that’s how long it took me to write this blog), did I find my holy grail to solve my current doubts and fears? The answer would be a mixed “yes” and “no”. I am certainly grateful for the resources and support I am getting (and I know I should get myself a coach too…it is on my goal list for 2010). However I also know that self-awareness, clarity of goals and resources are parts of the journey, now it is about translating those into action and ongoing practices. Therefore I just decided that my next blog entry will be titled “Walking the Talk”.
Before you leave, reflect on the following questions with an open heart:
•What are YOUR learning’s over the past 2 weeks
o In general?
o In relation to your goals?
•What resources have you tapped into to handle your current challenges (if any)?
•What progress did you make? How do you translate your learning’s and resources into actions? What do you learn about yourself as you do that?
•What else do you need to think / feel / do to…? (e.g. learn more effectively, listen to your heart, progress towards your goals etc.)
If you have signed up for the INFlow& Balance Newsletter, watch out for the “Goal-setting” article and template, it may bring you a step closer to where you want to be.
As Katie Byron says: “No one can give you freedom but you.”
See you soon,
Vanessa
It has been 2 interesting weeks for me. I use the word interesting, because I am actually still at an internal processing stage. In the last 2 weeks I participated in a number of work- and non-work related events and as usual this distinction wasn’t very helpful as the lines blurred quickly. What was “work” turned out to be very personal and what was “non-work” opened up realizations to become better at work. It was a timely reminder that life lessons present itself at any time and anywhere as long as we are open enough to receive them and are somewhat “ready” for change.
The beauty about Coaching is the fact that you are constantly challenged to learn and monitor yourself closely to make sure that you do not project your own “business” onto the Coachee. In the Henley Coaching Certification program I am currently participating in, they are emphasizing this fact by allowing us to write reflective pieces of our coaching experiences in the role as a Coach as well as a Coachee. It is a useful way of getting beneath your own surface and understand the interplay of subconscious forces at work (see last blog entry).
Self-reflection has always been a very important part of my life, but recently I have felt somewhat trapped in a vicious cycle. It is like the more I know what I have to change something, the more caught up I get. The “should’s” and “should not to’s” and “have to’s” just kept on creeping in into my self-talk. You can imagine some of the outer effects – my moodiness increased, I started to question myself and what I want, started to blame my partner for all the things he doesn’t do for me, I over-ate, I felt unhappy etc.
On a cognitive level I know that it has been ME creating all this difficulties in my mind by believing in and falling for thoughts that are not true. Of course, this is not the first time I am experiencing this (we are human beings and are thinking ALL the time), yet having done a lot of personal development work over the last few years, I was surprised at the intensity and frequency of these thoughts that only seem to know one purpose: “creating fear and doubt”.
Then I saw a connection – the closer I seem to get towards achieving my goals, the louder my internal critic becomes. You may call it “fear of success” or doubts that are created by my thinking mind about what I am able to achieve or not.
Luckily, as a Coach and personal development “junkie” I do have tools and resources at hand that can help me through a difficult period like that. This time, the support has come in three different forms:
•A book that I picked up from the library on being “Consciously Female” by Tracy W. Gaudet, M.D.
•A spontaneous Healing session with Sound and Channeling by my dear friend Lena Chen (www.lenashealinghaven.com)
•A Workshop I had signed up for on “The Work” (Katie Byron – www.TheWork.com), a process of inquiry to release your limiting thoughts and beliefs and “love what is” (loving the present without judgments). The Workshop was hosted by Elaine Grundy from the Reiki Centre (www.reikicentre.com.sg)
All three resources have been teaching me different things and approaches to deal with the issues at hand. The book I picked up has made me realize that I my well-being (including my motivation and self-confidence) is indeed impacted by my cyclical states. I have been keeping a mood chart in connection with my menstrual cycle for a while now and am generally aware of the links. However, this book is like God’s gift for women who want to have an integrative perspective on how to actually deal with female specific issues in a mindful and conscious way. It would be too much for one blog entry to repeat lessons learnt for me, but all I can say is that I will be working on getting more consciously female and will start to adjust my weekly schedules and routines to incorporate some of the insights I got from this book.
The session with Lena was a very special experience. I have known Lena for about 1+ year and she had worked as a Counselor before. She has her own Healing practice now and is into Holistic Therapies. We are regularly in contact and we have been both talking about a general change in the approach to healing. According to established sources, the world has started to shift from energetic healing energies to sound and light. And as if by design, Lena had started to incorporate voice and tone into her healing sessions together with inner dance elements. She had told me about it before, but when I experienced it myself it was like a journey through time and space, her voice reflecting exactly my mental images and the bodily experiences I had. Her channeling was also powerful for me, since the messages I got confirmed that I am on the right path. Yet, again I also had to realize that being in flow, achieving all that I desire and spiritually evolve comes from the HEART and not the head. I was being reminded that I am a very good planner and analytical person. However, the progresses I will make are not based on my cognitive abilities but rather on my capacity to open up and follow my heart. How true! When she channeled these messages during the session, I could feel the “heaviness” of my own thoughts and mind and the blockage to the heart chakra. I was being told that one of the ways to listen to my heart more closely is daily meditation. And what do you know…? I have always been an on and off meditator, but recently I felt compelled to put more discipline into my meditation practice. So, it shows I do listen to my heart – sometimes at least.
The 3rd lesson I got (beside cyclical considerations and heart-opening through meditation) was the fact that monitoring your thought processes is indeed “work”. Katie Byron’s approach is titled “The Work” and I must say having read her book about 3 years ago, I was a little apprehensive in applying her process. Her approach emerged from her own experiences of being depressed for almost 10 years. She realized one day that her suffering was caused by the beliefs she held about the world around her and not by the world itself. She saw that our attempt to find happiness was backwards – instead of hopelessly trying to change the world to match our thoughts about it “should” be, we can question these thoughts and, by meeting reality as it is, experience unimaginable freedom and joy. Based on this, she developed a simple, yet powerful process of inquiry about our limiting beliefs led by four questions and a turnaround:
•Is it true (the limiting thought / belief)?
•Can I absolutely know that it is true?
•How do I react if I think that this thought / belief is true?
•Who would I be without this thought /belief?
•Turnaround: Find 3 genuine examples of how the opposite is true in your life
I had tried the process on my own several times before with some results. The Workshop reinforced that there is still work to do. So, I decided to give “The Work” a more dedicated try over a period of 3 months but in conjunction with EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) as I still believe that “cognitive mind work” is great, yet combined with energy releasing techniques the results should even be better. I keep you informed how it goes and if it goes well, it is definitely something I want to add into my holistic coaching toolkit. Until then, I will be your guinea pig.
So, 2 weeks gone by, three lessons richer and three hours later (that’s how long it took me to write this blog), did I find my holy grail to solve my current doubts and fears? The answer would be a mixed “yes” and “no”. I am certainly grateful for the resources and support I am getting (and I know I should get myself a coach too…it is on my goal list for 2010). However I also know that self-awareness, clarity of goals and resources are parts of the journey, now it is about translating those into action and ongoing practices. Therefore I just decided that my next blog entry will be titled “Walking the Talk”.
Before you leave, reflect on the following questions with an open heart:
•What are YOUR learning’s over the past 2 weeks
o In general?
o In relation to your goals?
•What resources have you tapped into to handle your current challenges (if any)?
•What progress did you make? How do you translate your learning’s and resources into actions? What do you learn about yourself as you do that?
•What else do you need to think / feel / do to…? (e.g. learn more effectively, listen to your heart, progress towards your goals etc.)
If you have signed up for the INFlow& Balance Newsletter, watch out for the “Goal-setting” article and template, it may bring you a step closer to where you want to be.
As Katie Byron says: “No one can give you freedom but you.”
See you soon,
Vanessa
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