The challenge of "Being Present" in a Relationship

Welcome back.
How have you been? Are you already in Christmas mood and all ready to bring joy and love into others life at this special time of the year?

My partner and I managed to put a few Christmas deco items into our house over the weekend and I have to say I, it was not easy. While he is the “more, the better” type, I insisted to keep it as minimalistic as possible with the effect that we had to go out three times to add on a different item each time to make the house at last feel somewhat season-spirited.

Frankly speaking, we have never been the couple that gets things like house moving, decorating, cooking, grocery shopping and house fixing done smoothly. We both have a strong character and hold very particular views on how things need to get done. Watching each other in the process makes matters worse and the usual “I told you so” and “not like this…” can end in raised voices and snappy comments. It is funny though that this mostly happens with things that are largely unimportant or matters of the household. When it is about big things and big decisions in our lives, we are usually quickly aligned and are nurturing the same views.

I often wondered about that without conclusive insights, I have to admit. Yet, what I do realize is that I do play my part in it and can make these little discrepancies between us bigger than they really are which almost always has a negative impact on our relationship. I have this “gift” at times to make a mountain out of a molehill and to push the envelope. Over the last 2 years, I dare to say that I have learnt to accept this part of me and through lots of self-reflection and I am now in better control of myself – my thinking, my feeling and my reactions irrespective of what my partner’s reactions might be. (even though you would have to ask him to confirm my view.)

One concept that I have had to constantly remind myself of is that of “staying in the present”. What do I mean by that?

When we are beginning a new relationship with someone, everything is new and fresh. We are getting to know the person in fascinating many ways and almost everything he / she does is interesting and surprising.

However, once we know our partner, often the very things that were “cute” become a nuisance. Instead of surprising us, the behaviours of our partner seem like an old broken record, played over and over again. We have begun taking the other person for granted and we have started to look at them through different eyes. The lens we apply is the lens of “already knowing” what he or she will say or do. If we keep on using this lens, life and love can begin to be boring, predictable and no longer engaging. The more we live in the past to interpret our partner’s behaviour, the more likely it is that we are getting our self-fulfilling prophecy. He or she doesn’t even stand a chance to be and act different, because in our minds an automatic response pattern has already decided on what is going to happen next.

A different way to react is by staying fully in the present, letting go of the past, letting go of self-righteousness and becoming sensitive to the partner’s needs instead. I admit it is not easy in the beginning, but if you try it a couple of times, you will find that it opens up a new space of collaboration, respect and love.

Staying in the present means that we forgo all the “should’s” and “have to’s” and offer honest questions and support instead. It requires us to pay attention to our own reactions to the situation at hand and towards our partner. If our reaction is over the top and misappropriate given the actual situation, most likely we are dragging the past into it. If you catch yourself doing that, stop and trace the thought or past incidents that you were just thinking of. Ask yourself: “How true is this really?”

You remember Katie Byron’s “The Work” mentioned in the other blog entry? Every time I am starting to get upset about something my partner did or did not do is, I go through a couple a questions in my mind:

•Is it true? (what I think about him or his reactions at this moment)

•What is my reaction / what are the consequences for us if I believe this is true?

•Who would I be (and our relationship be) if I let this thought go?

•What is really most important to me – very often this brings me back to my positive intention and gives me the motivation to approach him “lovingly” rather than with judgment

•What can I offer him / what can I do right now to improve the situation – sometimes I just have to take his hand, sometimes I have to ask him a question of what is important to him, sometimes I hold him and say that everything is fine etc.

In the end of the day, live is really too short to fight and argue about all the little things. We have the chance everyday to make more conscious choices in our lives and relationships. Relationships are an ideal place to discover: “what’s the work that we have to do ourselves towards more wholeness”. Our partner often is only a mirror to show us what we have to heal most in ourselves. If we recognize that, a relationship can become a vehicle for personal, spiritual growth and healing.

It is not always easy, but it is definitely worth it – at least for me.

Imagine, what it would be like to see the person you love with new eyes every day? I invite you to leave the past out of your present and create the next moment with the one you love as it is the first.