Facing Truth

Dear all,

By now you will have noticed that a recurring theme in my blogs and newsletter is the evolution of human consciousness – what it means, how it shows up in our lives and what lessons we are to learn, so we can evolve into who we truly meant to be.

My belief is that our fundamental task in this lifetime is to strip away the layers of the ego that come with false identification of the mind and play out in negative patterns throughout our life and past lives (if they have not been cleared away). These patterns are rooted in conditioned thought forms that are low in energy vibrations and that we have allowed to drive our behaviours – for example shame, guilt, fear, desire, anger, pride, grief. In order to evolve consciously and be in a higher vibrational state we have to cultivate self-awareness and choose thought forms that are positive like courage, acceptance, love, joy, peace.

Experiences or conditioned thinking that keep us trapped in the lower thought forms (and can be unconscious) have to be healed and let go of to awaken us to our true selves. Becoming aware of them is the first step, accepting them and releasing them is the next step while consciously choosing new thoughts & actions that support life.

In our lives, we will be given experiences which are most helpful for the evolution of our consciousness. A classic case was the recent story of Dr. Silviu Ionescu, the former Romanian diplomat who was officially found culpable by the Coroner Court of Singapore of committing two hit-and-run accidents in Dec 2009.
He hat hit three men in quick succession with his car after a night out where alcohol was in involved. One of the men hit by the car died (he was 30 years old and newly wed) whereas the other two were severely injured. This has been a tragic accident and one could say, it can happen, but what was intriguing is how Dr. Ionescu chose to respond by denying all responsibility and lacking in basic human decency. Fact is:

•He drank alcohol and he was driving too fast when the accident occurred

•After he hit the three men and did not stop his car to see what happened and call for an ambulance

•Instead he slowed down to scold an eye witness who tried to stop him from fleeing the scene

•He drove home and slept. The next day, he tried to persuade his female companion who he was spending the night out with, to “forget” that he had drank alcohol

•He fabricated a story and lied to the police that his car was stolen and he was not involved in the accident

•Shortly after, he left for Romania while the Singapore police started investigations

•Since then he has denied all allegations and has called the recent verdict by the State Coroner of Singapore as “bullshit”

•It is yet unclear whether Romania will waiver his diplomatic immunity, so that he can be charged in Singapore and be jailed for his crime

Isn’t it amazing how consistently Dr. Ionescu has chosen to ignore reality and deny truth? There were so many “exit points” for him to come clean and admit to his wrong doings. Instead, he held on to the illusion that he can get away without taking accountability and his life will go back to normal.

Without knowing much of Dr. Ionescu, I presume that this is not the first time that he has chosen to ignore warning signs of what is really going on in his life. I believe, the bigger the wake-up call we experience, the more resistance we have shown in learning our lessons early on.

Resistance is an inner contraction, a hardening of the shell of the ego and the more we resist, the more outer resistance we create and ultimately the universe will not be on our side and life will not be helpful. What we fight strengthens, what we resist, persist.

In this case, it had tragic consequences that ended in the loss of life. Dr. Ionescu had many choices along the way that could have resulted in a very different outcome. I feel for the victim’s families, but I also know it had to come to this for Ionescu to “wake up”. I am not sure what the wake-up is about in detail, one would presume humility, decency & responsibility by overcoming pride, shame, anger and desire might be part of it.

He is still in denial and it may take a while for the realization to kick in, yet it is inevitable. He is part of the human race and has his contributions to make in the name of human consciousness. Dismantling his ego and facing the truth in the context of this case, will be a step towards greater self-awareness and responsibility.

We have to understand that whatever we choose in our life has consequences beyond ourselves. We are all interconnected and when we ignore what we need to learn, life comes knocking at our doors the hard way. Therefore the only way to evolve is to work on ourselves – if we get better, the world is getting better.

And I am writing this as a reminder for myself. Sometimes I have this romantic notion that I am not harming anyone else by just having self-defeating thoughts – the inner critic voice (e.g. I am not good enough; I am not worthy enough etc.). Fact is, because of that voice, fear manifests and keeps me from doing things that can benefit others and allows me to truly manifest my gifts in the best possible way. It also makes me blame my partner or allows me to complain about things in my life, I am not happy with. These are all negative and low vibrational states that reduce the collective human consciousness, rather than uplifting it.

Think about it, we do not have to be a Dr. Ionescu to deny awareness and responsibility of our actions. By just thinking about ourselves (or others) in a negative way, we can impact and slow down our own conscious evolution and that of humanity as a whole.
You may want to ask yourself today:

• What predominantly occupies my mind?
• What emotions go with that?
• What am I really afraid of? What am I not willing to face?
• What possibilities am I denying myself because of that?
• What lessons am I ignoring?
• What would I need to make a shift?

Ultimately, we will all end up in the same place, as we are Truth and Light itself. The question is just how “fast” (how many lives do we need to learn our lessons…) and how much love, peace and joy did we experience and create during our life times.

As Eckhart Tolle says, “…you cannot fight the ego and win, just as you cannot fight against darkness. The light of consciousness is all that is necessary. You are the light.”

May Dr. Ionescu be blessed with this understanding and the victim’s families have the grace & compassion of forgiveness.

We are all one,
Vanessa

The Time is Now

Dear all,

Do you also have the feeling that time seems to be flying? Do you currently observe that painful events & memories (you thought are long gone or have forgotten about) are breaking through the surface? Do you feel a strange longing to search for deeper meaning in your life? Or are you still struggling with manifesting your purpose in a consistent and joyful way? Welcome to the Club!

I had several reminders in the last 2 weeks that we are indeed living in trying and yet, very exciting times where things are about to change. From a spiritual perspective, this change is about a shift in consciousness driven by specific energetic influxes and a shift in energy frequency patterns coming from a higher realm. As a human race our collective and individual task is to move from a 3rd dimensional density consciousness to a 5th dimensional ascended consciousness. In short, we are preparing ourselves for Ascension or Awakening.

My intention in this blog is not so much to discuss the purpose and reasons behind that shift (google Ascension process and you will find many articles), but rather to look at the key messages that are embedded in this for us.

Personally, I have witnessed this shift in myself and many of my clients and friends around me. Our deepest fears, limiting beliefs and old negative behavioural patterns are currently been activated into our conscious awareness.
Those challenges may come from this life time, but they can also be coming from karmic ties or beliefs held in the collective un-consciousness. Whatever they are and wherever they come from, fact is we are meant to acknowledge, resolve and heal them if we are to awaken to our new nature of “multidimensional” beings in unity.

Trust me if I say I am speaking from experience… Emotional pain and imbalances are not new to me (remember I am Enneagram Type 4), but at this particular time they seem to intensify and manifest in episodes of crying, anxieties and physical unwellness. Consequently, I have done changes to my diet again, take supplements, started Aikido (martial arts), make it a habit to write down my thoughts and just sit quiet for some time each day to reflect and stay with whatever is going on. It is not very easy and I can’t say that I make transformational changes. Yet, I do sense that each “activity” is a step into the right direction, I feel there is a greater purpose & meaning at work. Never before have I had access to so many resources that support me in this process – my peer coaching groups, my partner, my books & information, my friends, my solitude, the time I have available to focus on personal development, the coaching opportunities I am being given… everything seems to be exactly the way it is supposed to be, making me confront my boundaries in the pursuit of growth in consciousness.

The pain comes primarily if I start to struggle against what is presented to me at this time. It comes, if I allow my thoughts to take over to create negative scenarios and “what if” cases in my mind. It stays with me if I give my inner critic the permission to stay in charge. I know that these are powerful opportunities for exposing my ego and question the reality I have created for myself. Sometimes I push back hard not wanting to accept that there is no “truth” in what I thought and felt to be true for so long. As I am writing this, fear creeps up on me asking “who will I be” if I give up my story, known limits and the construct I created to make sense of the world. There is still a strong impulse to protect what is my reality as this is all I know. Letting go means surrendering to the unknown and my biggest personal fear I have discovered in this is “will I be safe” where I need to go next, “will I be safe” if there is nothing I can hold onto anymore as it has all changed?

It is a scary place to be and yet very liberating. Cognitively, I have always understood that this is the “normal” process of our times and necessary to fulfill God’s plan. However, going through it myself and seeing my friends and clients go through it is indeed challenging – sometimes I wish there would be a shortcut.

Emotional clearing and getting ourselves into a state of acceptance & surrender are vital at the moment to be able to cope with what is going on. If we want to be part of the Ascension, we have to stop fighting and give intent to “being ready” whatever may come.

If I say the “time is now” I refer to the window of possibility we all have to re-examine what kind of life we have created, how we have lived our life, what kind of beliefs, values, aspirations have shaped us and what we need to change going forward.

It is a time of introspection, self-understanding and self-acceptance. As we wake up and learn how to become conscious, we become “universally responsible”. It implies that we integrate our awareness with personal responsibility to shape the impact we have on the world and the world has on us.

As conscious beings and leaders, we will be able to know ourselves and everything around us, because we know that we cannot choose intentions consciously until we become conscious of each of the different aspects of ourselves. In other words, we are not only aware of a problem (and can solve it), we are also doing something about it since we become responsible of what we are aware of.

The question I have for you is “are you ready” to become a more conscious human being? If not, what is holding you back? What do you need to get started? What is it that you belief to be true about what is going on in the world, around you, within yourself?

If you ARE ready, reflect on where you are now and what you need to accelerate your growth & development? What resources do you have that allow you to go with the flow? What is it that you have to let go of and surrender to?

The quicker we will be able to heal ourselves and step into our awareness & full responsibility, the faster global changes will take place. We are all interconnected and if we heal parts of ourselves, we heal parts of the collective consciousness. Imagine everyone pulling their weight, what future we can create.

My job as a Coach will therefore ALWAYS be twofold: giving my best to personally develop into higher levels of consciousness while holding the best intentions for my clients and creating a safe space for them to look at themselves, who they really are and who they are becoming.

In conclusion, the points I would like to remind us of as we play our parts in this conscious shift include:

1. Practice self-awareness more rigoursly than ever
We have to become an observer of our thoughts, emotions, bodily sensations and behaviours and its impact in our lives, at work and on others. We could start by setting a conscious intention to welcome any new learning’s about ourselves into our lives with gratitude. We could say: “I am grateful for this opportunity to understand myself better every day. I am open and receptive to all lessons that are presented to me, because I know it serves the highest purpose of evolution. I am safe and well as I discover myself more and more, everyday in every way.”

Self-awareness is not just something that happens. It requires discipline, focus and openness to ask ourselves tough questions as we go through our days: what am I feeling; what am I reacting to; what in this situation do I perceive to be true; what are my underlying reasons of thinking this way; what role am I playing here; what is my intention…

Only by giving ourselves time and space to reflect, feel our bodies, acknowledge our emotions and reevaluate our actions, will we be able to gain greater insights into ourselves.

2. Recognize what is really going on
As our self-awareness increases we will recognize negative patterns, habits and recurring challenges in our life. What is really going on requires us to look deeper and go beyond the surface. Often this is prompted by negative experiences or breakdowns in our life. Ask yourself: where do I currently encounter challenges in my life; from where do I know this / where have I seen this before in my life; how do these challenges manifest in my life right now (symptoms); what do the challenges have in common; can I see a common theme; what is the common theme; what word / sentence would I use to describe what is going on; what does this tell me about myself; what do I need to address it; what needs to shift etc.

Asking for feedback from others can be a powerful source of insight for us. Usually people around us are quite aware of what is going (as it is easier to be the outside observer), but they seldom tell us honestly & frankly unless asked. Think about who you could ask for feedback today to deepen your awareness.

3. Be gentle with yourself
There might be a tendency to discount on what progress we have already made up to this point in our lives. The inner critic, pleaser, doubter or whatever other ego-personality will work hard to dismantle any possibility of positive change. Don’t be afraid, the process is such that we are meant to evolve anyways, no matter of how hard the ego tries to deceive us. Have you heard this saying: “Before it gets better, it gets worse”? If yes, you know what I am talking about. In moments, we think we can’t take anymore, we have to stay right there and we will see that the fear, pain or whatever is present, is just an illusion. The moment we walk through it, is the moment we become free. However, don’t push yourself too hard. You will intuitively know if the time is ready to dissolve your boundaries and blast through your fears, until then try to go with flow.

Ask yourself: how can I create more joy in my life today; what can I do to love & respect myself more; what makes me feel whole right now; what do I want to acknowledge myself for; what am I grateful for today etc.

4. Put yourself into a state of gratitude, acceptance & surrender
This is an extension of point 3 – gratitude, acceptance and surrender are the key attitudes we need to cultivate if we want to consciously evolve. As I said earlier, fighting against “what is” or “what we have created” will get us nowhere, it rather intensifies the struggle and pain until it reaches a tipping point where we are “forced” to accept that our reality created was not life supporting or beneficial for our next stage of development. Whenever you feel yourself resisting, remember “what we resist persists”. Go back to these three attitudes and ask yourself how you can embody them more:

Gratitude is about having appreciation for life and the fact that we have been given free will to co-create. We do not live by instincts, but have the power to exercise conscious choice. It means not taking things for granted, but giving thanks for our existence and experiences in this life time.

Acceptance is the opposite of resistance. When we accept we do not ask “why this is happening to me”. Instead we ask ourselves “what is real” or “what is true” and work through the layers till we understand the lessons. Once understood, we embrace it and let it be.

Surrender can come with, before or after acceptance. It implies that we do not force “our plan” or actions to resolve the challenges and lessons at hand. Rather are we open to the idea of a higher power and purpose and detach ourselves from the outcome and results we want to achieve.

5. Stay the course – work on body, mind and soul
In the end, we are all work in progress and perseverance is an important element as we stay with the process. It is all too easy to get impatient and give up on our noble path and desire to grow (irrespective of the so-called energetic window of opportunity).

They say it takes 21 days to entrench a behavioural change, is it a wonder that it may require a lifetime to change our complete state of being? However, as said before the momentum has begun and the time for making relevant, step by step changes in our lives has never been better.

One way of making sure we are staying the course is by developing our own Integral Life Practices plan (ILPP). It is a structured and coherent plan that consists of practices we already do or intend to do on a body, mind, soul and shadow level. It can include things like:
• Body: nutrition, exercise, healthy habits etc.
• Mind: research, books, study group etc.
• Spirit: meditation, religious gatherings, etc.
• Shadow: journaling, Enneagram study, etc.

The key is to work on all levels simultaneously to intensify and accelerate our growth process.

In addition, it can also help to seek out a counselor, coach or support group that we intimately connect with to ensure we progress with highest intent.

As you continue on your path, I wish you strength, courage and joy in the months to come.

In spirit,
Vanessa

“A surge of life pulled me from the dead
I gave up mental contamination
And started building a spiritual foundation
The world all around me was falling down
And when it crumbled I saw higher ground
Something happened inside of me
I stepped into my true identity.”

[From “Spiritual Liberation” by Michael Bernard Beckwith]

Creativity

Dear all,

I am late by 3 days with this blog entry and frankly speaking I have been procrastinating. It was not due to a lack of time, but a perceived lack of creativity that stopped me from putting my thoughts down. And precisely because of that, I decided to focus in this entry on creativity, creation and what it takes to be inspired.

Being creative
I always had a strange relationship with the concept of creativity and it took me a long time to even dare admitting to myself that I can be creative. I had created this idealized air around it. In my imagination, creative people were the ultra-cool, outside-the-norm, artsy, rebellious, lonely, deeply emotional and vulnerable beings that scared by life manifested their desires, life pains and hopes in tangible pieces of art. In my world these people were not living a long and balanced life, but were rather inspired by periods of utmost (emotional) intensity and ugliness of life which made them turn away from the outer world and explore their spirits and inner workings in pursuit of either becoming “normal” or telling the world what others were missing out while being normal.

It didn’t help that I actually yearned to be exactly like them (probably my Enneagram Type 4 genes), something I could not accomplish in my mind since I have had not been given obvious gifts like drawing skills, musical talent, acting, performing or even writing skills for that matter. However strangely enough, looking back at my childhood, there were periods where I did test my creative talents: I wrote poems, daily philosophical letters to friends, performed at a theatre play, played the flute (that was a disaster though, I was the only one who couldn’t read notes and operated on a “finger 1-5” system”), danced my way daily through our living room (to Michael Jackson music) and sang Bavarian songs in our family restaurant in the attempt to entertain guests. Well, not too bad after all, wasn’t it? And yet, once I entered the workforce I seemed to forget all about it and the concept of my fantasized creativity became somehow unattainable again.

Since I started Flow & Balance, I find myself regularly in need to tap my right-brain and natural creativity whether it is for writing this blog, being spontaneous and intuitive in responding in coaching conversations or dreaming up some practical marketing ideas. In this context my new-old fantasy did not quite help and I was re-thinking what creativity really means to me and here is what I came up with:

•It comes from a higher place or spirit, not the ego (if it comes from the ego, it feels like I rationally force things to happen. This is different from being in spirit where an idea has taken hold of me rather than I have to take hold of the idea)

•It is directed from the heart, not the head

•It is about trusting my intuition and instincts beyond the known

•It is a space where I feel alive and joyful as I receive vibrational energies in form of voices, messages, silent reminders, invisible suggestions etc.

•It is reflected by a state of inner peace & focus and time is not of essence

•It is state of flow – a shift of consciousness where I can work with greater energy, enthusiasm and efficiency

•It is a calling to proceed even though I am unsure of goals, accomplishments or the end-result

•It feels effortless and easy

•It feels like it “has to be that way” – there are no doubts and no criticism of the result

Tapping into creative states at will
The concept of “flow” has long been associated with high performance, not only creativity. In sports, athletes that are in a flow state reflect an inner state that is intensely focused and exceptionally calm – think of the recent performance by Korean Ice skater Kim Yun Na. Getting into a flow state bridges the linear and creative functions of our brain while suspending the critical faculty of our logical mind, temporarily. This means we need to tap into our right brain first without logical reflection, before we can later use the left brain to organize, systemize and fit ideas together. The challenge is often that we try too quickly to press emotions and experiences of a spontaneous idea into linear form, therefore being more directed by our head rather than the heart.

I had to realize that creativity is not a something that belongs exclusively to a talented group of people, but rather it is our birth right and divine nature to live from inspiration and inspire others. Everyone is naturally creative and expresses or manifests creativity differently. The measure of creativity may also not be worldly success as we know it. It rather is to be measured by how we feel and show joy in life. A measure I clearly have had some challenges with in the past.

So, what can we do more of to tap into our natural creativity and experience these flow states more often in our lives?

Learning to focus
I am afraid to say that again, but the quickest way to shift into non-critical, not-knowing and creative states of mind is via deep relaxation or meditation. It allows letting go of the past and future and centers us into the present. All it often takes is 2 minutes of getting into the relaxed mode consistently over a period of time before embarking on a creative task or project. The relaxation can be a deep breathing exercise where you scan your body and relax each of its muscles. After feeling totally relaxed and safe, you can set your intention and say a positive affirmation of how you want to BE as you allow your creativity to flow through you.

For instance, one of the statements I would say to myself is: “I am totally calm, at peace and at ease right here and now. I open my heart and allow myself to be guided by my natural creative talents that come directly from source. Those talents will manifest themselves in words, deeds and ways I may not yet consciously know. I open myself up to all the creative possibilities and inspirations from infinite spirit. Thank you.”

It may sound quite spiritual, but that this is exactly what creation is about – it comes from spirit and the heart and not the ego. Being therefore in the right STATE (our emotional, physical and mental condition we are operating from) while allowing ourselves to access the depth of our consciousness, will bring creativity forth in us. As the Enneagram Institute reminded me today via a “Tip of the day” e-mail (how fitting):

“The nature of creativity will probably always remain mysterious because its basis is irrational—in the feelings and unconscious of the artist. The motives for artistic work are both to communicate and to conceal the self.”
(The Enneagram Institute, Personality Types, 136)

I think it is the “irrationality” or lack of control we may be afraid of in allowing creativity to come through, or least for me it is certainly a factor. Realizing that my rational mind is often my ego mind helps me to refocus, because I know that my thoughts are only a fraction of who I really am in creative expression. Suspending the false self (ego) and surrendering to a greater good, purpose and force are the main reasons for being able to live a life from inspiration and creativity.

For me, knowing this truth helps me often to replace my doubts and return to a state of not knowing and being okay with it. My EPs or Mindtraps (see previous blogs) with my inner critic being the loudest need to be silenced, otherwise I will not be in a place of harmony and creation will be challenging.

Creativity is such a fluid, high vibrational state and the more we learn to tune into ourselves and tap into its natural flow, the more joy and creative manifestations we will experience.

Going forward, you may find it useful to reflect on the following questions:
•When was a time where I was in complete bliss? How did it feel? What was I doing? Where was I?

•How do I express my creativity naturally? How am I creative? What do I do when I am creative?

•What do I really need in order to be creative?

•What is stopping me from allowing more creativity into my life?

•What can I do more of to bring more creativity into my life? (play, pray, mediate, go into nature, go to the spa, focused breathing, writing a story, re-decorating the house, make time for a dream day, watch people…)

•What can I do less of that blocks my creativity? E.g. How can I unclutter my life, my schedule, my commitments to free up time? How can I free myself of the Mindtraps and ego-talk that keeps me from being creative more often?

•What daily commitment to I want to make in order to give creativity a space in my life?

•How can others help me to stick to this commitment? How can they participate in my creativity? How can we co-create?

Have fun and experiment!

In spirit,
Vanessa

Authentic Leadership

Dear all,

The idea of the true self and authenticity has stayed with me over the last 2 weeks. This time in the context of leadership rather than a spiritual perspective as I was preparing for a client assignment and did some telephone coaching, discovering someone’s leadership vision.

Knowing yourself, being yourself and disclosing yourself have always been important foundations for effective leadership, reinforcing the concept and necessity of self mastery. However, what really struck me this time as I was reading through books and reflecting on my own personal experiences in organizations is the degree of “sureness” about themselves that leaders seem to have when it comes to their origins, principles / values, personality and vision. In essence, they know what they stand for and what legacy they want to leave behind without questioning or wavering.

Effective leaders know who they are, where they came from and the relationship between the two. They are firmly grounded, mobile, comfortable with oneself, show vulnerability and are able to operate outside their comfort zone & seek feedback. They are masters in perseverance and managing relationships with others based on what the situation requires – sometimes it is intimacy, sometimes it is distance, sometimes it is “tough love”. They are also good situation sensors in the first place and know how to connect the dots (strategic thinking).

In the book “Why should anyone be led by you”? by Rob Goffee & Gareth Jones that I have been reading, the core message is that leadership needs followers and followers want to know:
1. What is special about you that I should follow you?
2. What are your unique traits?

Therefore authentic leaders are those who:
a. Align action with stated values
b. Share personal shortcomings
c. “Show up” consistently and appropriately in different situations
d. Let themselves be known on a personal level beyond title or role

In addition, they are able to give to followers what they need:

1. Community – all about building effective teams where unique talents are recognized and leveraged for overall performance, synergy & growth

2. Authenticity – as described above

3. Significance – providing employees with the line of sight between their contributions and the goals of the organization; giving personalized feedback; recognizing people’s contributions

4. Excitement – passion, conviction, celebrations that spur the team to higher levels of performance


Is that always easy? Sure it is not, but the point here is that since they know themselves so well and do not question their core and calling, they are able to focus on the things that really matter and have the strengths to overcome challenges and obstacles in a way that allows people around them to have the confidence in themselves to contribute and be the best they can be.

The question I would like to ask this week is: “what can we learn from authentic leaders, even if we are not in an “official” leadership position? To some extent we all play the role of leaders from time to time, in the family, in relationships, in our community or in the form of self-leadership.

Allow me to offer you some of my own learning’s and reminders:

1. Embracing who we are– no matter our backgrounds, life history or painful experiences. They made us to who we are today and we are perfect - always. That doesn’t mean to be stuck in the ego and narcissistic powers (that a lot of leaders carry), but rather coming from a place of love where we are consciously focused on our unlimited nature and wholeness.

2. Getting clarity on our vision, purpose and values and know how we translate them into action. Enacted values are key, if we do not walk the talk or embody our principles, what can we expect from our followers? If we do not have a vision and a purpose, we will be searching as many others do and we will not be able to catalyze focused action.

3. Shifting the strategies, but not the goalpost – it refers to staying true to the goals we have set out to achieve despite the day-to-day performance pressures we are under.

4. Having faith and persevere – real leaders show faith in themselves, in their people and organizations they work for. It means we see obstacles as opportunities for learning and growth and we understand that everything happens for a reason. It also requires placing our attention and intention on the things we want to create for the greater good and in the spirit of service.

5. Nurturing our core – it means knowing where we can retreat to in order to rebalance and inspire ourselves again. It requires taking time out on a regular basis to contemplate and recharge the batteries.

As you think about your own ideas on authenticity & leadership, ask yourself today:
1. What does leadership really means to me?
2. When have I been in a leadership position that really fulfilled me?
3. What excites me as a leader? What am I passionate about when leading?
4. What values & principles do I embody as a leader?
5. What do I truly want to stand for as a leader?
6. How do I want to be remembered? What legacy do I want to leave behind?
7. How can I be of service to others through the leadership practices I offer?
8. What do I need to bring my leadership to the next level?

The answers are already within you, allow them into your consciousness today.

Be well,
Vanessa

The True Self

Dear all,

In my last blog we explored different “Ego-personalities” (EPs) and how they can affect our BEING and judgment in certain situations. Today I would like to move beyond our personality and look closer at the question of “Who am I” or “Who are we” for that matter.

It is such a profound question that has always been at the heart of spirituality and yet we seem to have difficulty answering, accepting and embodying it in our earthly lives.

For me in particular, the question of identity and purpose is an essential one. I am an Enneagram type 4 (with a 5 Wing), the Individualist and one of the type’s primary drivers is the search of identity while its basic fear is not having any significance. Therefore one of things 4’s do is to overuse imagination in search of self. The type’s saving grace is its high level of self-awareness and its sensitive, intuitive personality if the emotions are kept in balance. 4s operate from their feelings. Their challenge is to go beyond their emotional states and recognize that their true self is more than their momentary feelings. Their key lessons to learn are about balance, focus, discipline, independence and how to be themselves without having to compare themselves with others.

Knowing and reflecting on these characteristics have helped me to manage myself better, yet it has not taken my yearning away from finding my true self which is the fuel of my spiritual search.

What is the true self?
I see the true self as our soul-level identity, our realization that we are connected to something larger than ourselves. It implies going beyond our essential aloneness and free ourselves from the ego and the apparent duality of the individual and world to the bliss of the one real nature.

The true self can never be found outside of us, but only inside of us. And that’s where sometimes the practical challenges lies. If we really want to be free, we have to discover what is within us and let go of whatever is found and binds us to the false idea that we are somehow incomplete (as proclaimed by the EGO), only then the true self will reveal itself and liberty will follow naturally.

I believe that we all are actually yearning for this revelation to take place in our lives. Since this is the only way to true peace, happiness and freedom.

The true self is therefore our soul endowed with full spiritual powers where the SELF ultimately reveals itself as pure energy and pure consciousness.

Practical realities
The reality is that understanding the concept of a “true self” and its spiritual connection, is not the same as being able to live it. And sometimes I think if I would already to be able to do it fully, maybe my job and purpose of being on earth would be finished and I could return to source.

The challenges we face are partly rooted in our concept of duality. We often see our life as being this, or as not being that. In search of approval of others, we compare our lives and accomplishments to others and start to wonder of who we really are. And if we do not compare ourselves to others, the inner critic (an “EP”) will make sure that we do a comparison to the inner standards we have created for ourselves (fed by social conditioning and past experiences).

But if we start comparing “who I am” to someone or something else, are we not the subject of whatever it is we have compared ourselves to (and hence it is an egoistic endeavor)? And how could we even know for sure what we are seeing in others is reality and not only a fragment of reality or a stream of impressions and thoughts? And where would constant comparing lead us to anyways? There will always be people that have more, are more successful, more mature, wiser or simply more beautiful than we are.

The ego lives through comparison and attachment to things. It identifies with “having”, with the physical manifestations, form and structure. This is why we hang onto physical possessions as they give us a feeling of permanence and stability. However, this is an illusion. Buddhists always talk about the importance of letting go of our attachment to things, to achieve true enlightenment and end suffering. The concept I am introducing here is based on the same principle.

If having more & more and being successful in society’s terms does not lead us closer to our truer self, what does?

How can we move towards a “Truer Self”? As humans we have 3 basic capacities that are linked to our dimensions of being in this world:
1. To Know -> Mind -> Mind Consciousness (Mind)
2. To Love -> Heart -> Emotional Consciousness (Soul)
3. To Will -> Body -> Body Consciousness (Body)

Those capacities are interconnected and make up our “whole self”. I believe that our life task is to work on all of these capacities to be able to progress towards a true self. If we have an egoic mind (a mind-made self comprised of thought and emotion) our basis for identity is precarious. Having our minds developed to a soul-stage level (by integrating head & heart) we realize that we can go beyond mental constructs, logic and reality and operate from a higher authentic, unified, visionary, autonomous and intuitive place.

This place is actually always available to us, if we seek it and cultivate it in us. It is this place where the soul speaks which only happens if we become still and clear the clutter in our minds.

Meditation is therefore one of the best ways to get in touch with this place as it allows us to practice mindfulness and detachment.

Besides meditation, I also believe that the following practices can get us closer to our true self:

1.Developing self-awareness through regular reflections, journaling, intimate discussions with friends, loved ones or even a Coach

2.Transforming motivation – freeing oneself from addictions and cravings and committing to higher goals

3.Taking control of negative emotions and cultivating love and gratitude

4.Being of service to others – feeling good by doing good and by turning work into service

5.Practicing Being Present through active listening, physical awareness, focus and by being one with nature

I am sure there many more ways to get closer to our true self and certainly one could introduce specific practices that belong to each of the mentioned areas above.
For the readers who wanted practical, short-cut answers to how to find our true selfs, I apologize. The reality is that awakening to our infinite selfs may be at the very heart of our earthly experience. What we can do is to use every day to take little steps into the right direction.

For me Coaching is not only the way I have chosen to give service to others, but it also teaches me a lot about my own self-awareness, the need of being fully present and being able to connect to my higher self.

Every Coaching experience is therefore actually a step towards my connection to my true self beyond my mental self-construct of who I am or who I want to be.

That is also true the other way round, every Coaching session for my clients is an opportunity reflect on their thoughts, emotions and physical sensations around a particular issue they are dealing with. And sometimes it so happens, that the clients allow themselves to tap into their inherent soul-level wisdom as part of the process. And every time that happens, I know that we both just became a bit truer to ourselves and have claimed part of our freedom.

“And you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.” – John 8:32

Love & Blessings,
Vanessa

Who is speaking?

Dear all,

In my Feb newsletter, I will be writing on the topic of “3 Faces of Self-Mastery” in a rather generic sense and I wanted to take this opportunity to touch upon one of the faces in this blog today: the importance of self-awareness.

I think for those who have been reading my blog frequently, it is no surprise that self-awareness and self-reflection is a personal strength and priority of mine. It ties in with the notion of “if you want to change the world, you have to change yourself first” and how can we do this, if we do not understand what is going on within ourselves? The Coaching process is very much anchored on this principle as well – change happens when the client has made a new connection in his mind that gave an insight he or she didn’t have before. It is most powerful if that insight is not only about a situation or new course of action, but rather tells the person what it is in his or her self-perspective that has shifted to allow for the new conclusion to arrive. It follows the cycle of change your thinking -> change your feeling -> (and hence change your vibration) -> change your doing.

Connected to this is the fact that most people still operate on a DO-HAVE-BE principle. For instance, as long as we are doing the right things, we will get the money and then we will be somebody. With enough self-awareness practice, you will know it doesn’t work that way. Instead we have to adapt a BE-DO-HAVE attitude instead. “Being” means that we are fully present and all our senses are open, our beliefs are aligned to create a connection to our higher self. It is a vibrational state out of which “Doing” flows naturally, without having to put too much energy and force into it. “Having” becomes the consequences of both as things fall into place in a way that is best for all concerned.

For me personally, self-awareness has been an important starting point to get closer to a BE-DO-HAVE principle in life and at work. And I say closer, because to BE is a probably a challenging, life-long endeavor. I am “work in progress’, as most of us are.

One way to create more self-awareness in our life is to understand “who is speaking” in your inner mind. We all have hidden “ego-personalities” (EPs) that want to be heard by us. Those EPs are often nasty, being fed from underlying fears and perceived inadequacies. We have installed them in our subconscious mind to protect us from certain situations where we had negative experiences. The problem is once installed, they replay their script even in new situations where they are no longer needed which leads to outdated responses failing its original positive intent.

Coach in a Box (www.coachinabox.co.uk) calls those EPs “Mindtraps” – a trap we fall into about the way we look at the world. I call them EPs, because I believe that if called often enough, they become hardwired into our system and become personalities in their own right, managed and triggered by the master, our ego.

So what are typical EPs or Mindtraps?

1.Martyr: Other’s needs are more important than my own; I put myself second; I “should” or “have to” be doing this; work comes first, enjoyment later.

Associated feelings: resentment, irritation, apathy, anxiety


2.Avoider: I can’t do anything about this; it is not in my hands; it is as it is; no point interfering.

Associated feelings: hopelessness, anger, exasperation, paralysis

3.Pleaser: they won’t respect me; they think less of me; they have done / are more than me.

Associated feelings: low grade anxiety, apprehension, guilt, shame, lack of self-love and self-esteem

4.Critic / Doubter: I am not good enough; I got it wrong again; I could have done better and done more; things are always going wrong; they don’t want to change anyways; they will never make progress.

Associated feelings: frustration, anger, self-doubt, stress, helplessness, guilt, shame, wanting to be loved / respected

5.Prover: I am only as good as my next success; my goals is the only thing that matters; I will be found out.

Associated feelings: Tense, driven, high energy, excitement / adrenaline rush, stressed, can throw temper tantrums / get emotional

6.Worrier: they don’t listen to me; they will laugh at me; if I do this X will happen; I will never get it right for others; I’d rather avoid the situation; I have to be aggressive or not say it at all; I have to control the situation to prove to them and myself.

Associated feelings: anxiety, fear, needs safety

We may all have elements of all 6 EPs in us, but usually 1-3 types are more active and dominant than others. It also depends on the situation we find ourselves in and what “program / type” got activated.

The trick is to identify the situational triggers and then understand the irrational chain of limiting beliefs that are activated and result in specific reactions. Underlying the cycle of triggers -> thinking & feeling (EPs) -> consequences is usually a CORE FEAR of something.

For example, in my case I know that if I am more concerned about my “DOING” as I go into a coaching conversation, what happens is that my Critic & Doubter can easily be triggered. When I more focused on doing, it means my mind is too busy thinking things like: what questions should I ask, what tools & techniques will I use, how will the coachee respond, what else do I need to do etc.

By doing so, I can get easily trapped in my own mind rather than spending attention to the coachee of what is going on with him / her at this particular moment. I am playing out my own scenarios in my head and I am not connected enough.

Hence, insights as part of the conversation may not happen as there is a disconnect. Sensing that in myself can make me frustrated, thoughts like “why can’t I be present, it is my responsibility anyways to make this conversation effective” etc. will kick in. The consequence could be that I beat myself up and finally avoid doing anything, challenge or stop the conversation to gather myself and reconnect. I let it further unfold, being even more frustrated that things get better as I am still mindtrapped.

This means my EP cycle is Critic -> Martyr -> Avoider. Paying attention to this playing out, I have then to ask myself:

1. Who is speaking and what is being said by each of the EPs?
2. Where do I think that might come from?
3. Where do I have I heard that before?

Question 2 and 3 can give me then an insight into my triggers and core fear if observed over time. Once I understand what it is, I will have to address it and replace it with a positive belief instead.

Now, I know from experience that understanding our triggers and core fears that contributed to forming a limiting belief, may not be good enough to replace them effectively.

Knowing for instance, that one of my triggers for the Critic to kick in, are situations where I feel overwhelmed by the amount of diverse information the Coachee shares, which fosters my underlying fear of “not being able to stay in control” is very helpful. But to shift that belief, a rational understanding may or may not be good enough – that’s why the use of EFT, NLP and Hypnotherapy as complementary tools in coaching can be very helpful.

I suggest using the EPs and Mindtraps is a good way to start looking at different situations in your life that did not go as intended and where you reacted strongly. It is a basis to unravel some of your limiting beliefs.

Think about:
• Which EP plays out most often in your life and work?
• What are the specific situations when the dominant EP turns up?
• What is the trigger in those situations? What happened? (play it like a movie in your mind, only backwards)
• When this happened what did you believe about yourself, others, the situation at that time?
• What does this remind you of? Where did you learn this from?
• What feeling goes with this?
• Is it true?
• How do you know it is really true?
• Who would you be without that thought?
• How can you let go and turn that thought around?
• Who is the new personality speaking now?

I trust the EPs and those questions will give you some inspiration to practice some self-awareness in your life.

Let me know how you are doing, I would love to hear from you.

May you BE well, that you DO all the right things and HAVE all that you deserve.

Love, Vanessa

Setting purposeful goals

Welcome back everyone,

I hope 2010 has started well for you and you have had some time to reflect and distill new resolutions, goals and plans for the year.

I had quite a bit of thinking to do, but with the help of my own mentor-coaches and with all the physical, mental and emotional cleansing before Christmas, I was in a good place to crystallize my core ambitions for the year. I allowed myself to go beyond “traditional” goals and connect to my larger purpose and vision and in this blog I would like to share how this happened:

Enriching the Goals
After critical questions by my mentor-coach about my goals, I came up with a revised list that separated GOALS and PROJECTS with attached timelines, preliminary strategies how to get there and measures (evidence that lets me know when I have achieved my goals).

You may be wondering what questions my mentor-coach had asked that prompted me to revise my plans. Quite simply, she challenged me to think about:

a.Whether my plans really “excite” me? And if not (and obviously some of my plans did NOT excite me…), how could I integrate new options that DID excite me?

b.What kind of markets, people, environments and results if achieved would charge me up?

c.In which ways could I transform and re-design my existing plans to include options that showcase “who I am” and “what I truly want to achieve” (my essence) by working with people?

You can imagine, while I knew she was right about going back to the drawing board, I was not quite thrilled that my core essence was still not reflected in my plans and I had to dig deeper again.

I was cracking my head for a few days and then I sat down with my partner over two sessions to go through all the goals again. After discussions and sharing’s, I decided to enrich my goal list with special projects that require more intense work, but are ultimately what am looking for. The key for me was to balance business goals that are necessary at this stage (to also be financially stable) with knowledge-building, developmental and creative goals that may not bring immediate results, yet set me on the right track towards my long-term vision.

Cognitively this may seem obvious, but in reality, standing in the midst of your own plans, it is like “not seeing the wood for the trees”, you can get so caught up in the details, that you are missing the bigger picture.

Connecting with Essence and Purpose
Part of the bigger picture is also about knowing the ultimate reason, the driver, and the purpose of why you are committed to achieving certain things. For me personally, it has always been important to be aware of my purpose as it has given my life and actions meaning. I generally have a strong desire to understand how my intentions and actions today fit into the overall puzzle of my life. This awareness allows me to make more conscious choices in the present that will ultimately influence the future (think of cause & effect or KARMA).

Having said that, it did take a long time and consistent efforts, learning’s and reflections, to find that purpose inside of me and take the courage to show it to the world through my work and way of being (one of the reasons why I set-up Flow & Balance).

While I had articulated my purpose as part of my “Personal Strategic Plan (PSP)” in 2008, something was missing looking at my plans and new identity as a Holistic Coach in 2010. And as the universe always provides the right resources at the right time, I had the privilege to have a coaching call by my other mentor-coach. In this conversation, we addressed some of my concerns regarding my own expectations, style and standards I put upon myself when coaching people. As we progressed through this intimate verbal dance, four fundamental insights for me were reinforced:

1.One of my core values is to “make a difference for people” and I have chosen Holistic Coaching as my vehicle to do this.

2.My ultimate purpose is to “awaken people” – it is about empowering people to understand who they are, what they are here to do and what they want to create, how they use their talents & gifts to live a life with purpose and meaning, in flow & balance and with spiritual guidance.

3.I commit myself to embrace and be guided by this purpose in all my coaching conversation with clients and interactions with people in my life.

4.The coaching style I adopt expresses my natural strengths where I leverage and blend rational (being an Expert & Challenger) with emotional (being a Counsellor and Supporter) capabilities to facilitate holistic transformation for people.

You see, suddenly the pieces fit together as I crystallized not only:

•WHAT I want to do and how I measure it – my goals & projects

•But also WHY these are important to me – connecting to my vision, purpose & values

•And commit myself to principles of HOW I am going to do it – my natural strengths & coaching style (and purpose)

Visualizing and Manifesting
As many of you may know, in my article on Goal-setting which was published in Today’s Manager Magazine (Dec / Jan 2010 – you can also download it if you go to articles at http://www.inflowandbalance.com/free-resources.html) and my 1st Newsletter in Nov 2009, I emphasize the importance of daily goal visualization. It is so important, because by doing it we send messages to our subconscious mind to attract the resources and situations we need to manifest our goals (see also previous blog entries on the power of the subconscious mind).

One good way of doing it is to create a Vision Board. And it happened that my friend and neighbour, Martha Lee (www.eroscoaching.com) was conducting a Vision Board Workshop last Friday which I attended. Having gone through my rigorous goal alignment and purpose-connection process, I figured this was the last puzzle piece I needed for making my goals come alive. In addition, I also believe in walking the talk – if I emphasize it for clients, I better make sure I am doing it myself!

It was really a creative exercise where you design a collage by cutting out pictures that represent your goals from magazines and newspapers and glue them onto a board. As Martha highlighted, it is actually important to “glue” or fix the images permanently onto the board to reinforce our commitments towards the goals. If we do not do it, we may be tempted to switch goals around or replace them all together which is like “backing-off”.

You can see my Masterpiece as picture in this blog.

Take Away’s
You might be wondering why I am sharing my process and outcomes of the goal-setting in such detail. One thing I realized about myself and this blog writing is that I never start off with having clear key objectives of the blog entry in mind, but rather let a story unfold. While you are certainly encouraged to pick up the messages relevant for you, allow me to give you some pointers that I deem important:

•The goal-setting process in a beginning of the year is essential if you are committed to progress and manifest your true desires for the year or subsequent years.

•Goal-setting is not only a rational exercise or a listing of “to do’s”, it needs to connect to your larger vision, purpose, direction and values in life. This enables you to come up with meaningful actions and plans that serve your long-term and short-term goals and provides positive impact on the environment and other people.

•If you set goals, think about the principles of a fulfilled life: “I am fulfilled and happy if that what I set out to do and to achieve is:

oFitted to my personality (who am I)
oFulfils my personal needs (not necessarily WANTS) (what do I need)
oGives me direction (where do I want to go)”

•Get some support – go to your partner, friend or hire a Coach. It is easy to get lost in the details and delude yourself of what is really important to you. Sometimes the very things we truly desire do not appear on our goal lists, because these are the things we are most afraid of. The things we THINK we can’t accomplish anyways. Allow someone to challenge, encourage and support you!!!

I am planning of giving a Talk on “Purposeful Goal-setting” in the 1st quarter as part of a Health Series, What Therapy (www.whattherapy.com) is organizing. If you are interested, watch out for my February Newsletter. I am also offering goal-setting sessions at a discounted rate of S$80/hour for Jan / Feb 2010 (http://www.inflowandbalance.com/promotions.html).

Wishing you clarity, focus and joy as you embark on making your goals a reality in 2010!

In gratitude,
Vanessa